Ramblings...

Even in my heartbreak I have found joy -

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:38:22 GMT

My mom passed away yesterday at 12:15pm. I take joy in knowing she is now with my dad.

Once again I am humbled by the love, kindness and support that you, my wonderful friends, have shown me throughout these past few months. You have touched my soul and have brought me joy. I cannot say thank you enough.

My mother's obituary can be found here.

Now, I want to share with you the tribute I wrote that I will be speaking at her funeral service on Wednesday evening.

To properly speak about my mother, I must first speak about my father. Dad was a gregarious and mischievous man - bigger than life. He loved to laugh, he loved his toys and projects. A Navy man who spent his first 26 years on or in the ocean.

Then came my mother.

While Dad may have claimed that he chose her, I believe it was she that chose him. Mom chose a man that loved her deeply. When I look through photos spanning their 49 years together, Dad always had his arm around his wife. Everything he did, it was with his Anne in mind. Their house is overflowing of items that he carved and made for her that pays tribute to that love.

She was truly blessed with love.

Mom absolutely adored her husband. In the professional world she was known as Mrs. Maxner. In her private life she was proud to be Mrs. Robert Maxner. Some may think it old fashioned but it was a lesson in love that she passed to me that I cherish.

Brave is not a word I would have normally associated with my mom. I have had to rethink that though. In the face of my dad’s cancer that ultimately took him from us just 7 months ago, Mom was brave, courageous and valiant to the end. She took care of her Bob at home regardless of the physical pain she endured - until Dad needed a higher level of care. Her devotion to her husband was simple to see in the countless hours she sat at his bedside at the hospital and the Teresa House holding his hand; again setting aside her own physical pain and discomfort.

While Dad may have been the “Captain” of the USS Maxner, Mom was the rudder that steadily guided us. She was the silent anchor of our family; putting the stops on our engines when they were needed in her own quiet way. She was our safe harbor of home.

Anne is now sailing the high seas with her Bob on the ultimate adventure.

And their legacy lives on. It is in me and my children and my children's children.

This was the joy I found today, my two grandsons.....

Jonnie & Alex

Mom is declining fast.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:38:24 GMT

Most likely will not make it thru the weekend. We're all here with her and told her it's ok to go to be with Daddy.

Ain't technology sumpthin'?

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:31:14 GMT

Now I can post my ramblings from my mobile. I feel like those geeky parents on that Verizon commercial...LOL

They say no news is good news - but often that's not the case.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 10:53:42 GMT

I haven't been able to update for a few months. Once again my family has had issues, the least of which was me not being able to get online. My mom was excited to have knee replacement surgery. Both her knees were bone on bone and excruciatingly painful. She put the surgery off for years to take care of my father. With his passing in February, my mom decided now was the time to get some relief.

The plan was simple. My husband and I would stay at her house during both her hospital and rehabilitative stay; taking care of her dogs, the home and the ever growing yard. The surgery for her left knee took place on July 21st. It was the biggest mistake she ever made.

Mom is severely anemic, struggling with a blood disease called Spherocytosis. Her hemocrit pre-surgery was at a more than healthy 38. Post surgery it plummeted to 23. It took 6 blood transfusions to get the hemocrit back to an acceptable 29. So a 3 day planned hospital stay turned into 8. Then there was the transfer to the rehab center at a local skilled nursing facility.

There was the lack of care and compassion that had her calling 911 for help on her second night there. Of course that triggered me into action and I've had meetings with the Director of Nursing and others to see to it that my mother gets the best care. After a couple of days things seemed to be going fine. Then our world turned upside down.

The surgery seems to have exacerbated my mom's other health issues. Mom has COPD, Diabetes and CHF. Vic and I would have to move in to take care of mom once she came home. We knew this was a possibility beforehand so mom had the upstairs of her house renovated - the house is 179 years old and the ceilings were falling down upstairs. We hired a contractor who tore down the rest of the ceilings and replaced them. He also removed all the old wallpaper (some of it dating back to the last 1800's), painted and laid carpet.

Then two weeks ago we received the news she is at Stage 5 Kidney Failure. After a lot of long agonizing thought and discussion my mom has decided against dialysis. There are too many variables. She was informed that due to her size she would be on the dialysis machine for 5 hours at a time, 3 days a week. Her size makes it impossible for me to navigate her through the house and get her into the SUV. My health is not good. I am also COPD. I am on chemo which leaves me sick, exhausted and weak for days after treatment.Her health is cause for concern also. The dialysis would affect the blood disease - meaning more blood transfusions. What a wicked circle. Our location means there will be several days in the winter we won't be able to get out of our driveway at all. The driveway is 1/4 of a mile long and there is a bridge with a 30 foot drop on either side. That is the only way in or out - and we live in a snow belt area.

So now the preparations begin to bring her home to die. I feel as if I have failed. Failed her, failed my father in my promise to take care of mom. I don't think she'll be here for Christmas. And I am frozen in fear of losing both my parents in less than a year.

I am spent. I am an emotional mess. I can't seem to think straight any more. I am so not ready for this.

My video widget

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 08:49:57 GMT

A tribute to my father on Father's Day

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 14:17:16 GMT

This is my first Father's day without my father and it's been a difficult day to say the least. I lost him to brain cancer four months ago.

A tribute to my dad:

Pops was the oldest 10 year old I ever knew though he claimed to be 39 for so many years he had actually forgotten how old he was.

It is because of this man that I have a love for dodads, gizmos, gadgets, doohickeys and thingy-mac-bobbers. It is because of this man that I am a true believer of his favorite phrase, "If one nail will hold, 12 are better." He was also old school when it came to putting things together - never looking at the instructions. Of course, his mentality of the 12:1 ratio of nails and no directions sure made for some interesting tear downs when things didn't work as expected, but I digress.

My favorite memories of Pops will always include the countless hours spent at Joe's Auto Parts and at the Nunda Lumber Yard. I'll cherish the memories of the early morning hours before anyone else was up when Pops would tell me his childhood stories. I will never forget the joy on his face as he held each of my children for the first time or the tears he cried as he helped me bury a son.

It was his love of life and the love for his inner child that made him dynamic and charming.
It was his love of his wife and children that made him a man.

I love and miss you so much dad!

Vid making - not for the faint of heart!

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 19:23:01 GMT

I have made several really nice ones of the grandbabies using Windows Movie Maker in the past. But for some reason, WMM keeps shutting down on me. And all my daughter wants for her son's 1st birthday is a video made by me. I ended up using Sony Vegas. OMG - what a learning process THAT was! The help files need help files! It makes me appreciate even more all these great videos I've seen online (and most done by kids half my age and younger!)

So in all it's *cough* glory is my video of my youngest grandson Alexander.
Please watch in HQ.

Seems like everything is on hold

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 01:12:51 GMT

I couldn't mow last weekend because something is wrong with the tractor. I called the John Deere place on Monday and they promised they would be out to pick the tractor up either Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Well, it's Wednesday night and the tractor is still in the barn.

It has rained all flippin' day, meaning the grass will be twice as high as it was Saturday and it was high then - because of the rain last week. At this rate I may have to bush hog everything. ugh

The upstairs is being remodeled at my mom's house. No one has lived up there since 1988 or so. The old plaster ceilings started coming down when the roof was put on in 1990. What a mess! We hired a guy do redo everything, He knocked the ceilings down in the hallway and master bedroom and ripped out the rugs on Saturday. On Sunday he was putting up the drywall and had to stop because he discovered that the roof has been leaking at the old chimney. I'm still waiting to hear from a roofer - after that gets fixed, we have two more bedrooms to do upstairs - ceilings, remove wallpaper, paint and carpet.

I am so happy to see the wallpaper in the hallway go! My god it's just hideous!
I actually found something very similar online - except ours is much darker having been on the walls for nearly 100 years!

Stealing from the dead

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:35:03 GMT

I was sickened and heartbroken to discover Sunday morning that someone had stolen all the flowers from my father's gravesite. They took 3 arrangements. They left the flag that we placed on Memorial Day. My dad was a Korean War Veteran.

I called the Sheriff's Department. It's not about the money - we care less about that. It's the disrespect and dishonor. We are still grieving, it's only been four months since he left us. There isn't a day that I, my youngest daughter or my husband does not visit his grave. Cassie had made a very creative platform for her arrangements and left them on Friday morning. We showed my husband on Saturday morning. Less than 24 hours later - they were gone, along with a pot of begonias.

The Deputy was amazed that it was only my dad's plot that was affected. A few steps away was a large shepherd's hook - and on the other side of that plot are 2 very beautiful hooks with metal butterflies and ivy. There are live flowers everywhere - pots and pots of live flowers - all kinds of flowers.

He believes it was personal. That someone targeted my father's grave to hurt us. The Deputy said he found very odd that there is so much stuff right around dad's plot that was 'grabbable' and yet nothing else was disturbed.

On Monday I called the gentleman in charge of the cemetery. This is the first time that this has happened at his cemetery that he knows of and he has been there for 40+ years. He is as distressed about this as I am.

My dad didn't have any enemies. He was well liked and loved. Same with my mom. So it comes down to us. If this was personal, it was meant to hurt me and/or my children. In the end they hurt a grieving 75 year old widow the most. And for that I am beyond angry. I also feel guilty and ashamed - thinking it was because of my family.

Fun, fun, fun!

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:46:07 GMT

I'm off to mow the Hundred-Acre Wood this morning!
All the trails need mowing too so my ass will be firmly planted on the tractor for at least 8-9 hours.
Oh joy.

I have to take the hubster around the property first with the Husky and a notebook to show him all the stuff he has to do today.

He is not gonna be happy at all -especially with his hangover...HA!

Serves him right! bahahahaha

There are several young trees and bushesthat have to go, berry bushes that need to be cut back, the tiger lilies have overtaken the deck stairs and ramp, not to mention all the weed clipping (mom doesn't have a weed whip) and the raking - oh and the deck needs to be swept, vacuumed, bees nests removed, cushions brought out, roof swept off, etc etc etc. Think that will keep him busy? *snort*

Oh, I forgot to mention he'll have to rake... a lot! *smirk*
It's rained pretty much everyday since I last mowed and the grass is HIGH - so I'll have to do a hi-cut, let him rake and then I'll go over it again with a lo-cut.

Well I'll be...

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:30:37 GMT

Sometimes I just simply amaze myself...LOL

Today I managed to change my layout, swap out the header, change my user pic and add a sidebar with animations. *pats self on back*
I actually find using lj more difficult than starting with a blank page and writing the html myself.

Took my mother for a surgery consult for her knees. Her first knee replacement has been tentatively scheduled for July 14th, pending approval from her regular doctor. Was told that with her age and her health problems she would most likely be in a rehab facility for 2 months. I pray that this works for her, she is in such tremendous pain. Her knees are bone on bone and she can barely walk now.

Finally an update ...

Wed, 27 May 2009 10:41:45 GMT

My father passed away on February 6th.
I have been lost since that day.
It has been a long, tearful and difficult time for me.
But I am finally.... finally seeing some hope.

My dad finished his life at the Teresa House, a comfort care home for those that are terminal. First I have to say what an amazing place it is.
The home is fully staffed by volunteers. Wonderful, loving and caring volunteers. My father always had someone with him in his room. The care they gave was exceptional and personal. I thank God for that.

My dad passed with a roomful of his family present - my mother, my sister and her son, my husband, four of our five children, my youngest daughter's fiance, my middle daughter's best friend and me. I'm glad we were all there for dad. At the same time, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I pray to God that I never have to go through that again. It was so hard to let him go.

I have spent the last 4 months feeling like a 10 year old who has just lost her daddy. I kept wondering if it would ever get any better. It seemed as if everything reminds me of him. And my mother's house - oh my god. She isn't ready to put dad's things away. When I'm there, I feel as if dad will at any moment pop around a corner. When I call her house and the answering machine picks up - it's dad's voice I hear. Stuff like this brings on all sorts of tears from me.

I kept thinking, "Get a grip Carol. You're 46 years old. Stop all this bawling. Get over this depression. Be a grown-up."

But you know what? I may be 46, but I'm a kid at heart. I'm a kid who did lose her daddy. And this has been my journey.

But as I said before, I'm feeling some hope.

With dad gone the yard work at my mom's has fallen on me.
And I'm talking about a HUGE yard. It's like a small park.

Some of it my dad allowed the forest to reclaim as he got older and mowing became harder for him.
Vic and I decided to claim it back. We spent days cutting, pruning, chopping and dumping. I've bush hogged. And I've mowed.
We have managed to reclaim 2 acres.

I now spend 4+ hours on a tractor twice a week to keep up with the 10+ acres of grass.

It has been during these times that I have felt close to my dad. He took great pride in his yard. And I am determined to make him proud.
This manual labor has re-energized me and has given me a deep kind of peace. Those 4+ hours mowing - well, that's MY time. My time to remember and reflect. My time to be at one with my dad. My time to share with dad. My time to heal.

Of course, I now fully comprehend his love/hate relationship with the yard... LOL

The Meds, the Kids ...

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 04:18:25 GMT

and a couple of FU's tossed in for good measure!

Prednisone:
The Good News: My breathing is a bit better.
The Bad News: My hunger has increased tenfold. Where's the beef???
The Good News: The arthritis in my lower back is not bothering me for the 1st time last April.
The Bad News: The cramping in my legs and shoulders is going to kill me.
The Good News: YAY! My psoriais is clearing up - I was again at nearly 70% involved.
The Bad News: My face is swelling...again.
The Good News: More oxygen is getting to my brain and my thinking is once again clearer.
The Bad News: My thoughts are erratic and fast. I have to make notes constantly so I don't lose all my brilliant ideas.

Theophylline:
The Good News: My airways are relaxing and enlarging.
The Bad News: I have to take Musinex to help get the crap outta my lungs because theophylline surpresses cough.
The Good News: I have more energy.
The Bad News: Unfortunately it's a lot like taking speed. I'm jittery as all hell.
The Good News: The doctor says this is good for my sleep apnea.
The Bad News: But who the hell can sleep while on this shit? Seriously???

Lasix:
The Good News: There is no freakin' good news. What's so good about peeing every 10 minutes for hours??? I'm afraid to leave the damn house!
The Bad News: See the Good News above. HA!

So I'm ~~sitting~~ zooming around my house trying to work on the computer, clean the house, go pee every 2 flippin' minutes while nebulizing which just adds to the jitters.

Oh, and I'm supposed to be drama free. So the hubster contacted each of our 5 children and warned them I was be drama free for the next few days. Awwwww.... he loves me! However, I wonder if they do.

I actually had to turn my damn phone off as the drama levels reached levels unheard of.
I called my mom and told her if there was an emergency with dad to call the hubster on his cell phone.
How damn saddd is THAT?

Pot-Stirrers:
Those kids of mine are all grown and have lives of their own but for some sick reason they all get a kick out of 'pot stirring'. And they all were in full pot stirring form this weekend. They were all pissed off at each other and then dragging me (or attempting to) in the middle.

I got a text message from daughter #2 that started off with: "FUCK YOU! I don't ever want to talk to you for as long as I live."
The reason? It was because I had advised daughter #1 to tell daughter #2 that Jada (daughter #2's pit bull) was causing the rashes on daughter #1's children (ages 2 and 6 months) and for daughter #2 to come get her dog and kennel it elsewhere.

The next text message was from daughter #1. "fuck u mom u are a bad grandma."
The reason? It's because I'm sick and I refused to babysit the boys so she could go bar hopping.

Question: Can I legally divorce my kids???

And just because my grandson Jonnie is soooo damn cute & a bit toooo goofy....

Sick - ugh

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 02:34:40 GMT

So I started to get sick a few days ago. My chest got really tight and I got really scared. My 10 days in ICU last April for respiratory failure have not been forgotten.

I went to the doctor and got super medicated on Tuesday. Went for the recheck today feeling worse than I did initially.
Still lots of wheezing and rales. Still full of fluid. So my lasix got upped as did my prednisone and theophylline and I'm on a different antibiotic. I don't mind the prednisone being upped though - it is making my psoriasis dry up and go away. The theophylline on the other hand keeps me wired for sound. I can't sleep. Seriously, I can't sleep longer than 45 minutes or so at a clip.

Of course 5 grown kids who obviously aren't all that grown up have to keep calling me and texting me at all sorts of odd hours with their drama. ugh ugh ugh.

The doctor wanted to admit me to the hospital today. My oxygen levels were at 79% and only got to 84% after a nebulizer treatment and a healthy round of O2 by cannula at 3 liters for 15 minutes. I ended up refusing. I have a feeling I probably shouldn't have refused though. I know I could really benefit from some solumedrol.

The doctor is also pushing for a c-pap machine. I failed (or is it passed?) the first part of the sleep study. 15 events an hour are needed to qualify - I had 18. That's kinda scary. 18 times an hour I totally stop breathing. No wonder I'm freaking tired and confused all the time. I go next month for the titration study. Oh joy.

Called the kids and told them all they had to leave me alone, that I need a stress free weekend if I want to get better. I hope they listened, otherwise I will be checking myself in to the hospital come Monday morning.

Survived the holidays

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 02:17:40 GMT

Well we did it. We made through Christmas and New Years.
Mitch, our oldest boy had invited the family to his house for Christmas dinner.
It was great to spend time with the kids and the grandkids and not be responsible for the cooking and clean-up!

So now it is the year 2009.
My burning question is... how do you pronounce it?
a) Two thousand nine
b) Twenty oh-nine

2009. How very strange.
My grandmother had been born in 1898. Boy did she have some great stories!
She was 94 years old when she passed away in 1992.
Best damn cookie maker I ever knew.
My youngest daughter, Cassie shares the same birthdate as my grandmother ~ January 25th.
Cassie makes awesome cookies too.

Enough randomness from me. It's the meds and lack of sleep talking again.

Huh?

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:31:52 GMT

Wait. What?

Today is December 23rd? Like 2 days before Christmas? When the hell did that happen?

I honestly thought I had another week. With no kids in the house I find I'm losing track of things like this.
This will be our first Christmas alone since... omg, 1982!

Here's to all of you, my friends -

Merlin

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 03:25:37 GMT

A friend of mine had recorded all of season one of a new BBC show called Merlin. I finally got a chance to watch some of it today. I'm ~~embarrassed~~ chagrined to say that I actually watched the first 7 episodes and I plan on watching the last 6 episodes tomorrow.
I love this show! Actually I'm fan of movies in this genre anyway, but I really liked this series. I'm quite excited that the BBC has given the go ahead for season two. More info here @ IMDb www.imdb.com/title/tt1199099/

I'm not special - really!

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 13:06:25 GMT

I am an Admin at a freebies forum. It's something I've been doing for a few years now and I love it. While I like all the administrative parts of running the community it is the community itself that inspires me. We are a relatively small forum and as such the members have become close. In fact, I refer to our community as a neighborhood - it has that kind of friendly feel to it.

My 'neighbors' decided to get all cloak and dagger with me recently and gave me the surprise of a lifetime. They truly astounded me.
The following is my quoted thank you to the members:

I am one of those people who always gets wrapped up in others. I have always been a giver. A mom who has given all plus some, making the sacrifices all moms make for her children. A wife who has given more than she should. A daughter who feels she hasn't given enough. A sister who tries hard to be accepted. A grandmother discovering the joys of babies and toddlers in a new light. A volunteer who has tried to save lives, comfort others, teach, advocate for special needs children and their families, save homes and property etc etc.

What I am not, is a good receiver. I often feel unworthy of things. I'm not special - I'm just me. An average person who has tried to do some good in her time. I'm also never sure if my gratitude, appreciation and thanks is ever expressed sufficiently so please bear with me while I unfold yesterday's events.

A huge package and I do mean HUGE arrived at my house. The mail lady had to get my husband to get it out of her trunk.

Vic put it on the table and after I was given the go ahead from Mrs. Claus (Chicky) to open it - I cracked the box open. I first read the card from Holly explaining what the box contained. I glanced under the tissue paper to see gifts prettily wrapped and packed tightly and tags from FnF members.

I sucked in my breath and started to shake.
"So who's it from?" Vic asked.
"All of them." I whispered.

And then the tears. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard Vic was begging me to stop because he was crying too. And I hadn't even opened anything at that point.

We carried the box into the living room and Vic made some hot cocoa for us both. I grabbed a notepad so I could keep everything straight. It took me 2 hours to unwrap everything in that box.

And with each card, each gift big or small I felt so loved. Everything is wonderful! Everything matches my taste, my likes, my collections - perfect, just perfect!

I was left speechless and totally humbled yesterday.

I hope you can understand that when I say thank you I mean that those two small words can never fully convey the enormous feeling in my heart that you all have left me with.

And because the pictures will never to it all justice ~

Ice Cube Snowmen Tree Ornaments
Red & White Christmas Bell
Cloth Snowman Tree Ornaments
'Twilight' Pink Tree Ornament
Tree Ornament that says "Jonnie"
Tree Ornament that says "Baby's First"

Scratch & Sniff Lottery Card
Santa Cross Stitch Kit

Rooster Pot Holder with matching Kitchen Towel
Naughty/Nice Christmas Kitchen Towels
2 - Handmade doilies

Dark Blue Snowflake Blanket

Twilight Mix -CD
8x10 Photo of Edward Cullen
2 - 4x6 Twilight Photos (1 of Bella & Edward & 1 of a Sparkling Edward)
Twilight Lion & Lamb Keyring/Bag Clip
Twilight 4pc Pin Set
Twilight Soundtrack

Candlelit Praying Crystal Angel
Candlelit Christmas House with bear cubs

Handmade Beaded Tree Christmas Tree Ornament
Handmade Beaded Book Mark

"Welcome Friends" Garden Stone with 2 frogs

Naughty/Nice Snowman Wall Decor
Metal Scroll Design Rooster Wall Decor
Country Measuring Cup with Gingham hanger

Claire Burke Apple Jack & Peel Gift Set
Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea Shower Gel, Lotion and Body Splash

2 - $10 Books-a-Million Gift Certificates
$20 MusicCash Gift Certificate
Photo to 11x14 Canvas Art Kit Gift Card

28 - Scented Tarts
2 - Simmer Pots
10 - Candles/Candle Sets/Tea Lights

Slinky
Sudoko Computer Software

3 pairs Beaded Hoop Earrings

Flower Seed Mix

Suduko Puzzle Book
2009 Day Planner
Rooster Address Book
Book: A Century of Great Suspense Stories
Pen Set

6 pack of Ball Toys for Patches (AKA Kitchen Kitty, Living Room Kitty and Houdini Kitty)
6 pack of Rahide Sticks for Dakota and Manny

2 Candy Bars
2 bags Reese's minis
Ghiardelli Chocolate
Lindt's Candies
Palmer Snowflake Candy
Hot Coco Mix
Tin of Butter Cookies
English Breakfast Tea
4 packs Fruit Sensation Chewing Gum
Cool Coke bottle (with Coke!)

Thank you, thank you, thank you - from the bottom of my heart!
You are the most amazing people!!

Warning - depressive post

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 15:37:23 GMT

Well, I most certainly messed up my 30 days of Thanksgiving didn't I? But that is true to form for me.
I could come up with all sorts of excuses, but the truth is I am a procrastinator.
Why do today what I can do tomorrow?
Sadly, tomorrow always seems too full of life and again the procrastination hits.

But now there is no more time for procrastination. No more time to put certain things off.
Time is short. Way to short. So short that I will never have enough time to truly let my father know how much I love him.

My father was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I cannot even fully digest those words.
They make me want to hyperventilate and vomit.
His prognosis... 1 to 2 months.

This vile intruder in his brain is killing him. It will kill him. And soon. Much, much too soon.

I'm lucky in the fact that my dad is 74 years old and has had a good life. I am blessed that for the last 46 years I have had him as my father.
It's killing me to watch him deteriorate. To watch this man who was so strong - so virile - so rugged and capable become a shell of himself.

He often claimed he was the 'jack of all trades' and 'master of none'. But in my eyes, there was nothing that this man couldn't do. He was a self-made man. He could fix anything, repair anything, build anything - do everything.

This was the man that I would, as a child, run a pitcher of ice-tea to while he was plowing the fields in the back 40. There he would be, tall and standing on the back of the tractor, never sitting - sweat running down his sunburned face happy to see a bit of cold refreshment. The same man who after a long day in the fields would somehow find the strength and energy to cut and split wood for winter use. The same man who would doggedly spend hours plowing and shoveling our 1/2 mile long driveway during blizzards to ensure we could get out and make sure the fires never went out in the house.

And now - he's lost. He doesn't know what to do when you place a fork in his hand. It has to be guided to his mouth and then his memory/learned behavior kicks in and he'll eat. The strength in his right side is gone. He can barely lift his leg or his arm. He looks at you in confusion. Sometimes he looks at my mom, his wife of 48 years and he can't quite seem to place her.

It's bad enough to watch him physically weaken but that is expected with age. But I truly am destroyed with seeing him lose who he is. His personality is changing. Now at times he is unkind, malicious and nasty. I've been told that this aspect will only get worse. How unfair that this loving man has been reduced to this.

In short of a miracle I pray that the end is swift and merciful.

This man will leave behind a legacy. A wife of 48 years, 2 daughters, 7 grandchildren and 5 great grandsons and a sister.

I love you daddy.

30 Days of Thanksgiving - day 2

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 02:13:39 GMT

OK - so I' m late - VERY late.
Does this surprise anyone?

So now I'm trying to catch up.

This post - I wish to share how thankful I am for my 5 children.
Some of the years... ok - and all of the teen years raising this brood was hard.
A lot of that is my own fault.
I wanted them to be independent.
I want them to be sure of themselves.
Somewhere though they over did it. LOL

To my oldest son Mitch,
By far your trials and tribulations were the hardest. But you overcame so much adversity. Each struggle that you endured helped to mold you into the wonderful 25 year old man you are today. I love you my son.

To my oldest daughter Belicia,
Lee, our bond over the past 23 years has been difficult at best. But the reason is simple. You are me. You are as stubborn and as hard headed as me. As long as you use those gifts for good, you'll be fine. I love you my daughter.

To my son Benjamin,
Ah, Benji, my Benji. You have always been the people pleaser. You devoted your life to making others smile. Sadly you chose to please the wrong group when you turned 16 and spiraled into the abyss of addiction. It's been a long 6 years of difficult times for you. But I see you are determined to beat this. This time around, instead of pleasing others - please yourself. I believe in you and love you my son.

To my daughter Melinda,
Linny, for 21 years you have brought me much joy with your humor. Of the 5, you are the artistic one, the creative one. It must have been hard living with us - we who think with logic instead of our creative juices. You have always marched to the beat of a different drummer and that has always made you stand out and shine. I love you my daughter.

To my youngest daughter Cassandra,
Cassie. The baby. My 20 year old baby. You were the last - the one who had to step out from under the shadows of the others and blaze her own trails. And that you did. you are an amazing young woman. I love you my daughter.

30 Days of Thanksgiving ...

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:40:05 GMT

My online BFF Tarzan and her daughter are participating in a project called "30 Days of Thanksgiving".
Each day they are blogging about something they are thankful for.
I decided to jump onto the bandwagon and join them.

Except I'm not doing 30 days - because once again, I'm late.

So today I am thankful for ALL my online friends.
Especially Tarzan aka She-Who-Got-Me-Hooked-On-Harry-Potter!
Tarzan gave me the first 5 books of the HP series and the rest is history.
I have lived in Harry's world ever since! And for that I am truly thankful.

Life with my 5 kids has been hard - somehow I ended up with a family that
has had more than it's share of bad luck, misery and crisis. These books
have been a much needed therapy to escape into a fantasy world.

Tarzan even went so far to give me a genuine Harry Potter wand!!
I have had a blast running around the house casting spells and charms.
No wonder my kids think I'm weird! But it's all in good fun!

I in turn managed to get Tarzan hooked on the Twilight Saga.
But once again, Tarzan has amazed me. She has given me an
"Edward" t-shirt. So I guess now when I wear it to bed I can tell the
hubster I'm sleeping with Edward Cullen! bahahahaha

Ok, maybe I'm the only one that finds that funny. Oh well.

Anyway, Tarzan is an amazing person. She took the bull by the horns and
stepped out from her comfort zone in many areas of her life.
At an age where many women would just settle - she turned her life
upside down and inside out. And succeeded.

Tarzan amazes me. She is an inspiration to me.
She is not just a survivor, she is a doer.
And I am blessed to be able to call her friend.

Just some pictures,,,

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:25:29 GMT

My youngest daughter Cassie and her fiance, Adam.

Jonnie age 2. This kid is WILD! He's a great kid but ALL BOY!

Well, except for that time his momma put him in a dress...

The hubster, Vic holding a newborn Alex (Jonnie's brother) - born 6/24/08.

Kaden, my son Benji's little boy. Kaden will be 1 next month!

Four more children and 2 more grandchildren to post pictures of!

This seriously pisses me off...

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:02:27 GMT

Two words - corporate greed.

Countdown to Beedle the Bard

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:00:11 GMT

With an upcoming birthday ~

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 02:54:10 GMT

I'm hoping to score a few goodies from my kids.

I have been ~~leaving full page lists~~ dropping hints in their homes, cars and in the grandchildren's carseats.
No wonder they think I'm eccentric!

I'm just compelled to add to my collection -
My ~~gotta have~~ want list includes:

Twilight: The Complete Illustrated Movie Companion
Twilight 2009 Calendar
The Tales of Beedle The Bard